It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
