The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
