Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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