I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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