I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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