So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
