Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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