Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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