so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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