Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I'm really busy with my period
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