so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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