So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
