So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
