I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
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This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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