Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
