So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
