Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
