my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
