i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
