I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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