So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
