I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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