pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
