I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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