Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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