I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
