I just saw a hot homeless man
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
