Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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