oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
