I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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