We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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