My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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