you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
