the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
