I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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