i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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