Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
