I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
