Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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