He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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