I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
