i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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