so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
