Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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