Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
