it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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