i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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