I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize