Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
