I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
