and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
