I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
