after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
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Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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