Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
