You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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