Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
