where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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