He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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