I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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