She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
