Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
