Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
