im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
